Just a Question

[issycat]

So some of you know that one of my kids has a limb difference.  He's missing his left hand.  He's actually fine.  Doesn't stop him one bit. 

So here's the thing.  Several months ago, I came across this international adoption agency that listed kids with special needs in need of a home.  Many of them had a limb difference just like my son's.  For some reason, this really upset me.  These kids are sitting in orphanages because of a stupid limb difference that really makes no difference to the person they are.

My gut instinct was to consider adopting a child with special needs.  I admit, I had this very brief urge to rescue one of these kids because it pissed me off on behalf of my own child.

I know nothing, NOTHING about international adoption.  My only experience is with my own very closed but now wide open because I just found my first mom adoption.


I  wouldn't want to be anybody's "savior".

At the same time, it makes me sick to think of these kids in these horrible places.  But are they horrible?  I really don't know.

?

This point is moot anyway.  My husband has no interest in adopting anybody and I...well...I question my motives so we're not doing it.

But my question is this:

Is there ever a good reason to adopt?

What do you think?

[angel]

Is there ever a good reason to adopt?

Even though there is a lot of adoption stuff that makes me angry..      My experience of adoption isn't all negative.
For me it's quite the opposite, my family are the most fabulous bunch of people, I can't imagine my world without them in it.

That's a good reason to me.  My beautiful loving caring family.   

[Possum]

Hey Issy,
It is a hard one - and it truly sucks that people discard children simply because of a disability.
That in itself it very very wrong.
I think that there are so many things wrong with 'adoption' as it stands.
Yes - there are kids out there that have no one to love them - and in this case - something does need to be done.
Because of the way adoption is portrayed in film and media in the US - even orphans scream that they just want someone to 'adopt' them - but are they really saying -
"Can someone love me - just for me - and care for me - just for me - and not abandon me when the chips are down.".
Adoption as it stands - changes a child's entire identity, heritage, their entire being.
More often than not - the child is not allowed to grow into the person that they were meant to be.
If said child chooses to change their name to their new family later in life - it should be their choice - not some adult that is doing it just to make their family larger.
Some type of legal guardianship - where you do become the child's main caregiver - until such time as they become an adult.
You're right Issy - these kids do deserve a chance at being loved.

Poss. xx

(JMHO)
 

[Marsha]

Issy, my kids are special needs adoptions, off of lists exactly like you described. I don't know what to tell you honestly. Some of the orphanages are bad, some are so so, some are actually pretty good. The one my son is in is more like a nice day care than what you'd think of as an orphanage. My daughter's orphanage was so-so. Not good, not bad. I'm not here to convince you adoption is good though. As an adoptee-lite myself I can also see the dark side. Its been a struggle for me, so only you can decide if its something you feel you can do. I think if your motivation is to rescue one of them then you are right that its probably best not to pursue it. Many of the kids on these lists will be adopted by other people. The part I think about is who is best to care for them, those people who might not get it at all, or us who understand and can feel the pain ourselves? I am torn on subjects like these.

ignoring red

[Addie Pray]

I can understand why you would feel that adopting a child with the same type of limb difference as your own child would be a good thing.  You get what it's all about.  You see it as it really is, and understand that it isn't such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. 

Maybe feeling more like an advocate, than a saviour?

Face it, you are an adoptee, and a mother of a child with a limb difference, you have two real big reasons to identify with those kids.

In my mind, that would be a perfectly understandable reaction.

As to good reasons for adoption?

Yeah, I think there are good reasons to want to adopt.  Probably about as many good reasons as bad.  It just gets done for bad reasons most of the time.

Don't really know anything about international adoption, so I won't go there.

[issycat]

I've been thinking about this a lot since I asked the question.  I started thinking about my former landlady.  She started out as a foster parent to kids with HIV only the first baby that was placed with her was this beautiful infant named Megan*.  Megan was born with every kind of drug in her system as well as HIV.  Her mother left the hospital without signing any papers so Megan was placed in foster care with my landlady who happened to live in my building. 
At eighteen months of age, Megan tested negative for HIV,  she had shed the antibodies passed on from her HIV positive mother.
My landlady took the baby for visits to her incarcerated father, she made every effort to have contact with the mother who just wasn't interested.
My landlady adopted Megan when he was about three.  It was never her intent to adopt a child.  She only wanted to provide a home for a child in need.  They had just fallen in love.
My landlady never set out to save anyone.  She was never trying to "build a family".  She was just trying to help out and along the way, she found her daughter.  It was all kind of a fluke.
Maybe some one out there is thinking, "Oh sure, the baby shed the antibodies but would she have adopted her if she really had turned out to be HIV positive?"
The answer is yes.
I know this because my landlady fostered another child who did indeed turn out to be truly HIV positive and last I heard (I moved away) she was planning on adopting him too.
So I guess there are right reasons.
Maybe?
Who am I to judge anyway? 

[joy]

It is a very complicated question for me


On one hand I hate adoption, I just hate it, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate what it did to my life, I hate a lot of the messages I grew up with and feel they were unnecessary and harmful.


On the other hand children do need love and care and someone concerned for them.


I worry because in adoption there is the understanding that you will act as if you are your adoptive parents child, which actually comes with a lot of responsibilty


You know that you will also be their care taker at some point, adoptive parents have among other reasons for adopting a reason to expect a return on their investment.

I am not saying this in a mean way, but I think it is a subconscious motivation.


In the case of permanent placement, would people be as willing to invest time and energy into a child?

I hear so many stories from adoptees about struggling with that lack of physical bond, as the mom of a teen I know the physical bond means a lot, more so when they are a teen and not so cute, but the reality is children do need advocates, and parents and people to look out for them.

When your natural parents aren't there to do it for you, well I don't know what the solution is.

It is a very difficult problem.  I guess I just wish there was less adoption, that people concentrated on supporting people so they didn't get into the situation of placing for adoption.

and that they stopped promoting adoption


*sigh*

sometimes it just feels hopeless