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APs "living adoption"


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SoloZolo
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« on: May 08, 2007, 04:44:56 pm »

Does it bother you when you hear APs say they are 'living adoption' just like adoptees are living adoption?
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Marsha
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« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2007, 04:59:22 pm »

having adopted children for me is NOTHING like being an adopted person. WTF do they mean by that anyways?
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Addie Pray
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« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2007, 05:14:13 pm »

Sounds like a load of feel good crap to me.

All I have to say is I'm living adoption, L-I-V-I-N......


OK, I've seen Dazed and Confused one too many times.
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Theresa
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« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2007, 05:24:10 pm »

I don't know what it means. I'd have to see it in context. But if it was someone all happy happy happy talking about living adoption, it would beyond bother me.

But if I heard anyone, no matter how well intentioned, talk about themselves Living Adoption just like an adoptee, oh forget it, I'd go ballistic.
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« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2007, 05:34:05 pm »

K, lets go down the list -

I feel -

self concious   because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
fear of abandonment    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO       
people pleasing    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
immense grief     because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
a huge void in my life     because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
like a mistake    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
like something important was ripped from me forever without my choice   because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
like I am less of a person than other people who have not been in my shoes because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
often misunderstood because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? CHECK

okay, well, there's one thats the same. So that makes it the same thing? Think not.
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Theresa
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« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2007, 05:38:54 pm »

Marsha that's so good. That deserves a page all it's own on your website
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« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2007, 05:55:47 pm »

Marsha that's so good. That deserves a page all it's own on your website

I'm always scared to write "this is how adoptees feel" kind of stuff for my site because I just know people are going to go "you're not even a real adoptee" and completely dismiss whatever I'm saying. I don't want my status making the statement not be heard, you know?
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« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2007, 06:11:08 pm »

Oh I know dismissal LOL!!
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« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2007, 07:19:39 pm »

unfortunately 5 times out of 6 whatever an aparent says bothers me.... so my anser to this is YES.

the handful and i sincerly mean HANDFUL marsha included that "get it" don't bother me AT ALL.  but the other 1000000000000000000 aparents..... just don't get it.  Wink
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« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2007, 08:37:10 pm »

K, lets go down the list -

I feel -

self concious   because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
fear of abandonment    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO       
people pleasing    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO

MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA!!!

The entire list is so good I feel like pinning it up on my desk.  Or sending it to some people I know who say stuff like, "I always wanted to be adopted!"

I never read or heard any a-parent say that and I'm glad I haven't.   Evil 
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SoloZolo
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« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2007, 10:21:39 pm »

Thanks for the comments, guys.  I was reading at another (ahem) board, and some APs were asserting their expertise about the adoption experience because they are "living" it.  Frankly, it pissed me off (I am sure this surprises you - lol).  I didn't comment - just clicked back over here.

 Azn
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SoloZolo
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« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2007, 10:36:26 pm »

 Azn
We feel your pain.
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Melinda
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« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2007, 09:04:03 am »





MARSHA, COULD YOU GO INTO THE SELF CONSCIOUS PART OF BEING AN ADOPTEE IN DEPTH?Huh? WHEN DID IT BEGIN AND HOW DID IT MANIFEST AND HOW DOES IT MANIFEST IN YOUR LIFE.....THANKS..I WANT TO SEE IF IT IS THE SAME AS MINE....
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« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2007, 02:16:08 pm »

OK...I'm gonna do it again...play devil's advocate 

I do not have any children yet and can really only speak from the perspective of adult adoptee, but if I TRY to put myself in the shoes of AP's I can imagine some of the answers you interjected on their behalf might change:

Quote
self concious   because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("Are people staring at me because my children don't look like me?")
Quote
fear of abandonment    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("Will my child "abandon" me in search of his/her birthparents?")
Quote
people pleasing    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("How can I please my child and make sure he/she loves me and doesn't decide to leave me?")
Quote
immense grief     because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK (Grief of 1) The loss of bearing children and 2) Knowledge of the loss your child faces as he/she is relinquished by birthparents)
Quote
a huge void in my life     because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--I'll give you this one on the AP's perspective but coming from myself...because I am adopted?  NO (Only if I allow myself to feel that way)
Quote
like a mistake    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--Ditto "a huge void in my life"...only if I allow myself to feel that way...NO ONE can EVER tell me that I was a mistake, no matter who they are!
Quote
like something important was ripped from me forever without my choice   because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK (the ability to conceive and bear children and/or in the case of continuous miscarriages...definitely...a child was ripped from her body FOREVER without her choice!)
Quote
like I am less of a person than other people who have not been in my shoes because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("Why can I not bear children?  What is wrong with me?  What do others do that I cannot?"  I believe the list of reasons to feel like less of a person must be endless for an adoptive parent.)
Quote
often misunderstood because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? CHECK
--Amen!

So, again, playing devil's advocate...I don't know if this is how AP's really feel or not.  Are these feelings right, if they are accurate?  Probably not always!  Do they put a feeling of pressure and unhappiness on us AA's knowing that our AP's might have felt this way?  OF COURSE!!!  But can we deny that AP's might also experience some of these emotions?  I don't think so.  Whether right or wrong, they are human and feel things as deeply and painfully as we do!  Just because they make the choice to experience these emotions does not mean they are not entitled to them the same as you and I.  Just some food for thought Shocked!

Oh please.  If they refuse to listen to adult adoptees, to the research, and to all the red flags regarding the wrong reasons to adopt (and, consequently, refuse to validate these issues with their adopted children) then I have ZERO sympathy for them.  And no they do not experience these particular things as deeply and painfully as we do.  No.  Oh, they are entitled to their emotions, but I don't have to listen to them whine. 
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« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2007, 04:15:38 pm »

OK...I'm gonna do it again...play devil's advocate 

I do not have any children yet and can really only speak from the perspective of adult adoptee, but if I TRY to put myself in the shoes of AP's I can imagine some of the answers you interjected on their behalf might change:

Quote
self concious   because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("Are people staring at me because my children don't look like me?")
Quote
fear of abandonment    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO

--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("Will my child "abandon" me in search of his/her birthparents?")
Quote
people pleasing    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("How can I please my child and make sure he/she loves me and doesn't decide to leave me?")
Quote
immense grief     because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO

--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK (Grief of 1) The loss of bearing children and 2) Knowledge of the loss your child faces as he/she is relinquished by birthparents)
Quote
a huge void in my life     because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--I'll give you this one on the AP's perspective but coming from myself...because I am adopted?  NO (Only if I allow myself to feel that way)
Quote
like a mistake    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--Ditto "a huge void in my life"...only if I allow myself to feel that way...NO ONE can EVER tell me that I was a mistake, no matter who they are!
Quote
like something important was ripped from me forever without my choice   because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO

--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK (the ability to conceive and bear children and/or in the case of continuous miscarriages...definitely...a child was ripped from her body FOREVER without her choice!)
Quote
like I am less of a person than other people who have not been in my shoes because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO

--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("Why can I not bear children?  What is wrong with me?  What do others do that I cannot?"  I believe the list of reasons to feel like less of a person must be endless for an adoptive parent.)
Quote
often misunderstood because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? CHECK
--Amen!

So, again, playing devil's advocate...I don't know if this is how AP's really feel or not.  Are these feelings right, if they are accurate?  Probably not always!  Do they put a feeling of pressure and unhappiness on us AA's knowing that our AP's might have felt this way?  OF COURSE!!!  But can we deny that AP's might also experience some of these emotions?  I don't think so.  Whether right or wrong, they are human and feel things as deeply and painfully as we do!  Just because they make the choice to experience these emotions does not mean they are not entitled to them the same as you and I.  Just some food for thought  Shocked!

***Note:  I accidentally removed my post when I changed my screen name from shoolady to IrenesEqual.  Sorry for the confusion!  Aaagh!  I can't get the hang of this message board stuff  !
« Last Edit: May 09, 2007, 04:50:37 pm by IrenesEqual » Report Spam   Logged
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