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Please help - resources needed re open adoption


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Author Topic: Please help - resources needed re open adoption  (Read 321 times)
Sarah
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« on: May 07, 2007, 12:28:27 pm »

I would appreciate any help you can give for resouces, studies and the like.

We all know that adoption sucks, but it already has been done in this case and what I am looking for are reasons to open an adoption that has been closed by aprents.

Here's the deal. I suspected that this child I look after on occasion was adopted because she will be 5 next month and "mom and dad" don't look a thing like her. In fact she looks half Mexican/Central American (but funnily enough, she doesn't not have the "Spanish" accent that comes with the Mexican adoptee  ) and the parents are totally white. and....well I can really understand her. We relate well. She just "acts" adopted if that makes any sense. She has all the symptoms. she feels like an adoptee. Anyway, since I am terribly "malcriado" as James' mother would say (in a teasing, loving way). So I decided I was going to ask. However, I know about amums and not to ask them about adoption because....well you know. So I waited until dad came to pick her up. She was in Sam's bedroom playing with Sam.

We were talking about her birthday party coming up because Sam and I are invited to it. Then it went to talk about when she was a baby. So I innocently ask, "So were you in the delivery room when your wife gave birth?" He says, "Well my wife and I were in the room when our birthmother was giving birth to her, yes."

"Oh she's adopted, then. Hmm. So am I."
"Really Oh how wonderful!" he replies.   
"So her birth mother will be at the party, then. I would love to meet her!"
"Uh...well....uh no actually she won't. We don't have much contact with her other than photos and updates once a year."

We continued talking and I got out of him that they did originally plan for an open adoption, but then they decided to cut off visits at one year because they thought it was "too hard" on the bmum. They thought it would be "too confusing" for the little girl.
And after he was through justifying their actions, I said, "So your wife felt too threatened by the birth mum to continue the visits, then." Boy did I get a look, but then he looked at the ground and said, "Yes I suppose that was part of it."

So then I ask about how the bmum feels about it and he said that he thought she was pretty upset at first but "I am sure she is over it by now".

What I want to do is get all the material I can about how damaging this sort of adoption is to the CHILD, print it out, and present it to them. They probably won't listen, but it may plant the seed. My God, that poor mother and baby. They must be in so much pain at the hands of these arseholes.

I think Sam and I will get ourselves uninvited from that birthday party.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2007, 12:30:40 pm by Sarah » Report Spam   Logged

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momseekingpeace
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« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2007, 01:08:25 pm »

I will look for info but mostly I wanted to tell you that I admire so much your bravery, honesty and straight fowardness.  Good for you and for that mom and child that you spoke up.

MSP
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MindyRambo
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« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2007, 01:49:57 pm »

Dearest (dumbass) Aparents,

There really isn't much worse you can do to destroy a woman than to close an open adoption on her.  Aside from the fact that you obviously AGREED to an open adoption to begin with, and that that should have been respected NO MATTER WHAT, how on earth are you EVER going to justify this to your daughter? 

You probably believe that "your birthmom" is your "hero" and if that is indeed true, and she has "given you such a gift" than wouldn't it be the LEAST you can do to ensure that her relationship with her child is preserved?

Do you know how many first mothers actually chose adoption and one of the deciding factors is the fact that they can have an open adoption?  So they will be able to be in their child's life?  I bet no one told "your birthmom" that open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable. 

HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU PUT YOUR FEELINGS ABOVE YOUR CHILD'S AND HER NATURAL MOTHERS?Huh?  REALLY, HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?  HOW DO YOU MAKE THE DECISION THAT IT'S TOO ROUGH ON HER?  CAN YOU NOT AFFORD HER THE ONE THING SHE HAS LEFT?Huh???

Signed,

A pissed off PAP

(Sorry Sarah, this is no good, you totally can't show them this, I know, but I just had to get this out, because there is nothing that makes me madder than this... I am shaking reading your words)
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Stewie
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« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2007, 01:53:36 pm »

Wow Sarah you are AWESOME and brave to start talking about it to the dad.    Just don't go TOO postal on them or you might not get to see that little girl again, if she means alot to you and could benefit from you being in her life.   

Meantime I'll see what I have about benefits of open adoption in my files...I bet julie or theresa have something....they have lots of good stuff..

BTW Isn't it weird how people say "how wonderful" when you tell them you're adopted? That happens to me too. I think my new response to that is going to be, "Yeah, it's AMAZING."
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dory
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« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2007, 02:25:44 pm »

BTW Isn't it weird how people say "how wonderful" when you tell them you're adopted? That happens to me too. I think my new response to that is going to be, "Yeah, it's AMAZING."

No kidding!!!!! Or, what I've been noticing a lot lately is how when someone tells you they adopted, or friends of theirs adopted, or whatever - there is always a pause afterwards. Like that's my cue to say "how wonderful" - they are usually met with a blank stare from me - which obviously makes them uncomfortable because they're so used to hearing "that's wonderful" - blech.

Go Sarah - three cheers for you in your ability to talk with them about this. Maybe even give them a book written by an adoptee. But yes, I agree that your presence in this girls life will have a great impact on her so you don't want to lose that.
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I saw my life and wondered what the hell I had been living.
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HeatherUK
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« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2007, 02:40:20 pm »

Sarah, I think that was amazingly brave of you to confront the adoptive parent that way.  Perhaps it will make him think about things and hopefully see things from a different perspective.

I think Nancy Verrier is really good at describing what an adoptee goes through and on her website she has some short summaries aimed at each member of the 'triad'

http://www.nancyverrier.com/

Good luck and I hope you are able to stay in this little girl's life - I bet if you told her you were adopted too, she'd come out with a barrage of questions.  I know I would have at that age.  Unfortunately I didn't have anyone to talk to and it all got internalized so now I feel totally 
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