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Mother's Day


Poll
Question: Do you plan on sending a mother's day card/something to your first mom?  (Voting closed: May 09, 2007, 02:54:31 pm)
Yes - 8 (72.7%)
No - 3 (27.3%)
Agonizing over question - 0 (0%)
I did once & it was bad - 0 (0%)
Total Voters: 11

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Author Topic: Mother's Day  (Read 784 times)
Nina
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« on: May 06, 2007, 02:54:31 pm »

Well, have had no contact with my mother since meeting her for first time in mid-Feb. 

While it didn't go badly and I am VERY glad to have met her, I guess I haven't quite recovered from the rather weird experience of feeling like I could have been a new neighbor she was meeting for the first time.  She just didn't seem very interested.  Hard to explain.  Then again, the poor woman is 83.  37 when I was born so this isn't a typical situation.

Anyway...damn...Mother's Day IS coming up and wondering if I should send a card.  She IS my mother.  Insight anyone? 



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Nina
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« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2007, 03:01:40 pm »

As a mum not an adoptee I think it has to feel organic to send her a card. Do you want to send her a card and does it feel natural to do that. It's not about how we feel, it's about what feels comfortable for you.

I am not giving Mother's Day any power this year, I did in the past and I don't want to anymore.

It is my belief that the feelings of the adoptee are the most important in reunion.

Wow, I can see I'm not totally over my people pleasing tendencies, Kim.  That was a really wonderful response.  Thank you. 
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Addie Pray
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« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2007, 04:02:07 pm »

You know what?

I think I will send her a card.
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Lillie
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« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2007, 04:07:37 pm »

I have no idea what I should do.  I've always wanted to, but with her being so silent toward me, I just don't know how she'd receive it.  On the one hand, she's never told me she doesn't like my letters & stuff; actually the one time she did respond last year she said that they are very dear to her.  

But would it be too much?  She's the kind of person who runs and hides when things get too much.  So I don't want to push her.  

But I do want to acknowledge who she is, and let her know that I do think of her.

Gah, this is just so confusing!!!!
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« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2007, 04:15:21 pm »

I sent my mom a card last year. I actually asked her sister about it first - to find out if she thought it was inappropriate. I have a relationship with my Aunt and her and my mom are very very close so I knew I could trust her judgement. She told me to listen to my heart. So I sent a sweet but very simple card. Maybe this year I will write a little more in it. Such baby steps through all of this......
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Sarah
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« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2007, 05:37:48 pm »

Oh yes, I will send her a card. I will again call and ask her if I could meet her and spend some time with her on mother's day. She will again tell me that that day is reserved for her children only and she is not my mother. She will tell me that my mother lives in England so go spend your mother's day with her. ****. Seriously, I wonder why I am so obssessed with getting her to acknowledge our relationship. All I ever wanted her to do was love me and it just pissess me off to no end that she can't. Grin Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2007, 08:17:13 pm »

Yet again I will find two cards this year and send one off to be ignored. For her consideration I should really send it today so it doesnt turn up on the weekend when her kids might find it....

Hah..me a people pleaser? Never!
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« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2007, 08:40:18 pm »

I sent one. Mother's day for her was in March, so it's over. (Try finding a proper mothers day here in the US at that time of year, you're F'd)

You know what, I could not have let it go by unannounced, no matter what her reaction.

Reaction? So far I have no idea. Two months later and i have no idea. I made her a card. I couldn't buy one (no mothers day cards in the stores in march) so I made one, made it part of a soft photo album with pics of me from babyhood throu teenhood.  More on that in another thread.

She sent me a birthday card and gift, over one month from receiving my mother's day thing, with NO mention of it. No letter, no "I got it" nothing.  So honestly I have no idea how it was received. I have a feeling it caused some pain. I should have known that. Maybe I did know that but wanted to do it anyway. I have no idea.

Anyway, I'd follow your gut. Do what YOU want to do. Mother's day is as much about daughters acknowledging mothers ... whether they want it or not. Do it, lillie, if you feel it. Follow your feeeeellllings. Do it, Nina....if you think the monday after Mothers day you will feel "damn, I shoulda sent it"

Will you regret NOT doing it, even in the tiniest bit? Then I say do it.
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Nina
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« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2007, 09:40:38 pm »

Now I got a lot of great stuff to think about...thank you!

And KimKim...yeah, I think your daughter thinks about you a lot even if she doesn't SAY it. 

Confession:  When I was a teenager and asked my a-mom about my first mom, she got hysterical and angry.  Mother's Day was like, a couple weeks after that.  I got back at her by NOT getting her anything for Mother's Day and all hell broke lose. 

So Mother's Day, since then, has always been really weird for me.  It has a subtext of REVENGE. 

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« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2007, 11:59:40 pm »

Since this is the first chance you've had to send her a Mother's Day card I'd say go for it. You will never get that first chance again.

I will NOT be sending my mother a card.

I will, however, be sending cards to two of my lovely aunties. Both of whom my mother can't stand, hehe.

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« Reply #10 on: May 07, 2007, 02:50:18 am »

I won't be - there's a whole heap of mess going on there - and after I asked her husband whether to send her a b'day card in Feb - and he replied yes - as it's a nice gesture and nonthreatening - but thought that perhaps she wouldn't really appreciate it.
There's NO WAY I'm going out of my way to send a Mother's Day card.
It makes me very very sad - but when I'm feeling so dejected and on the outer - I seriously don't have the energy to put into something like that.
Anyway - that's me.
 Grin
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Nina
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« Reply #11 on: May 07, 2007, 10:15:21 am »

Iand after I asked her husband whether to send her a b'day card in Feb - and he replied yes - as it's a nice gesture and nonthreatening - but thought that perhaps she wouldn't really appreciate it.

I like that.  NONTHREATENING.  Heavy sigh.  Oh, the INDIGNITY.  Argh, Possum.  Yep.  No card.  Definitely. 
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« Reply #12 on: May 07, 2007, 03:33:48 pm »

Hmmm, well I found the card I like...now I just cannot find the words...


Thanks for ignoring me doesnt seem right....ok hubby got a little annnoyed when I forked out for two lots of cards considering she ignores me...he has little sympathy for her, as even he wrote to her once and she ignored that too.

I just cannot get in the space of what I want to say. I went to write Dear....and couldnt decide what to address her as....Chris? Christine? Mum? ....it was all downhill and I just am stuck with an empty card.
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Nina
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« Reply #13 on: May 07, 2007, 05:24:09 pm »

My husband was pretty shocked when I posed the question about sending the card. 

He's been super supportive through search and reunion. 

He knows my mother has not expressed regret about her decision to relinquish...in fact, thinks it was a great idea...considering I turned out "better" (her word) than her kept kids and that even though she has been welcoming, she's not been terribly interested. 

Suspects I'm doing it to be nice, out of some weird guilt--people pleasing habit.  Which may be sadly true because today when I thought, gee, maybe I should look for a card I really didn't really want to do it. 
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Lillie
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« Reply #14 on: May 07, 2007, 06:16:20 pm »

Thanks for ignoring me doesnt seem right....ok hubby got a little annnoyed when I forked out for two lots of cards considering she ignores me...


Our hubby's seem a lot alike.  Mine doesn't have much time for my bmom, he's pretty sick of her **** with me.  I've never told him that I want to buy her a card, he'd probably think I was  if I did.

Oh I think about it, every year I do.  And I think about getting her birthday cards.  And Christmas cards.  And cards for just about every stupid holiday there is.  But the stupid ass second-guessing adoptee is me always does just that...second guesses.

**** stupid ass, is what I am.   Grin 
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