Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change
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Adopted children need to know their mothers...NOW!


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Author Topic: Adopted children need to know their mothers...NOW!  (Read 899 times)
Sarah
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« Reply #15 on: May 05, 2007, 11:56:01 am »

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Using adoption, though, as a method to cure infertility is wrong - open or closed adoption.

Exactly. There will always be the need to have people to raise other people's children because they themselves are unfit. Taking children from perfectly good mothers to cure their infertility is a crime. Changing the child's name and making a legal document saying they were born to you is just a plain lie. There is so much wrong with adoption that I can't even begin to explain.

I was watching Masterpiece theatre some weeks ago, and the setting was back in the 1800s. I remember that one of the characters asked a young girl about her parents. she said, "I never knew my mother and father." When questioned further, she calls the family she is with "the people who raised me". That's hw it used to be. Mother and father meant your mother and father and the people who raised you, no matter how kind and loving and wonderful, were called the "people who raised you". I think the way they looked at it back then was far more accurate. It was only when children became the way people cured their barrenness, did it get so screwed up. So Yah. What Michelle said.
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Michelle
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« Reply #16 on: May 05, 2007, 12:03:13 pm »

Actually, Sarah....when I realized, or woke up and understood that I exist because of my mother and father - and the generations of mothers and fathers before them, I felt liberated. Adoption didn't **** create me. My family IS my family, regardless of how I lost them...that's REALITY. Having prefixes to our familiy members is confusing....it's not real....(especially birth father) like a kid whose father divorces, remarries, then tells the child to start calling his new wife, mother. NO WAY!
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« Reply #17 on: May 05, 2007, 12:11:24 pm »

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Using adoption, though, as a method to cure infertility is wrong - open or closed adoption.

Exactly. There will always be the need to have people to raise other people's children because they themselves are unfit. Taking children from perfectly good mothers to cure their infertility is a crime. Changing the child's name and making a legal document saying they were born to you is just a plain lie. There is so much wrong with adoption that I can't even begin to explain.

I was watching Masterpiece theatre some weeks ago, and the setting was back in the 1800s. I remember that one of the characters asked a young girl about her parents. she said, "I never knew my mother and father." When questioned further, she calls the family she is with "the people who raised me". That's hw it used to be. Mother and father meant your mother and father and the people who raised you, no matter how kind and loving and wonderful, were called the "people who raised you". I think the way they looked at it back then was far more accurate. It was only when children became the way people cured their barrenness, did it get so screwed up. So Yah. What Michelle said.

It's only on adoption boards that I use the terms "aparents" or "adoptive parents."  IRL, I refer to them as "the people who raised me," because, Biology 101, a person has only one mother and only one father.  In my opinion, calling anyone else one's parents just feeds the adoption machine. 
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dory
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« Reply #18 on: May 05, 2007, 12:16:43 pm »

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amom: They are married but to poor to take care of a child, she is studying to be a nurse and your father likes to swim. WE ARE YOUR PARENTS NOW, THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO TALK ABOUT.
It looks as if you amother actually wanted to delude herself into thinking that she did not adopt one of those (hushed tones) *bastard children* ? Or is that the story they gave to everyone?

I honestly don't know the answer to that. I imagine it was to shield me from being a bastard - but hey - wasn't adoption supposed to take care of that anyway? I do know the agency lied to my first mom about my aparents - they told her my father was a doctor and a prominent member of his community and mother was a stay at home mom. Total lies. My mother was a cashier at a grocery store and my father worked for public television. So they could have lied to my aparents - but the thing is - my non-id does state that my father liked to swim and my mother was a nurse - so hmmmmmmmm.

But being told my parents were married was so confusing for me - if they were married why didn't they keep me - plenty of children came from poor families. And then I used to worry about how poor they must have been to have to give me up. I literally had visions of them living in a one room shack and not having enough to eat.

I have to be honest and say it was almost somewhat of a relief when I found out they weren't married. It made it a little more understandable for me.
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dory
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« Reply #19 on: May 05, 2007, 12:20:31 pm »

like a kid whose father divorces, remarries, then tells the child to start calling his new wife, mother. NO WAY!

I have a friend that this happened to. She calls her stepmother "mother" because the stepmom and her dad insisted. Stepmom couldn't have children - I think my friend was 5 when her dad married this woman. She told me this last year and I was floored. But she's NOT your mom - how can you call her mom. She said it just made things easier. FOR WHO?  Azn Azn Azn
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« Reply #20 on: May 05, 2007, 12:29:48 pm »

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...I used to worry about how poor they must have been to have to give me up. I literally had visions of them living in a one room shack and not having enough to eat.

I used to have the same worries about my mother.  It's how I pictured her, and I felt so bad.  I wanted to be with her to comfort her.  And I asked my aparents why they couldn't give her some money and food.  I don't remember what they told me - probably that they didn't know where she was.  *sigh*
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dory
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« Reply #21 on: May 05, 2007, 12:35:05 pm »

Oh ****, Dory, me too! 

I couldn't have cared LESS about finances, "opportunities," stuff....

Thing is, financially, my mother wasn't bad off. She was employed as a nurse when she had me. Granted, I guess she would have been fired for being a single mom so who knows what would have happened. But she eventually became an RN and works in the cardiac care department taking care of patients who have open heart surgery. So it's not like she ever lived in that shack I envisioned - she has a nice house in a nice area and she never upgraded - she's been there for over 30 years. And heck, she lives 30 miles from the beach where we used to go on our one week family vacations once a year - I could have been vacationing every bloody weekend!!!!

But yeh, I couldn't have cared less about any of that - I just wanted my mother.
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« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2007, 12:43:41 pm »

Hi Michelle-
I couldn't agree with you more. I got scraps of scraps and a dumptruck load of guilt for just getting that. I was told I was adopted at age nine - I remember being so confused - I just didn't understand.

me: Where's my mother?

amom: I'M YOUR MOTHER.

me: Well, what do you know about her?

amom: They are married but to poor to take care of a child, she is studying to be a nurse and your father likes to swim. WE ARE YOUR PARENTS NOW, THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO TALK ABOUT.

That was the extent of explaining my origins to me - that's all I got.

A year later I checked a book out of the library on adoptees searching for family. My aparents found it. The guilt, oh my god the guilt.

WHY ARE YOU HURTING US LIKE THIS?

I never spoke of adoption again. Gee, I wonder why I was such a **** up pre-teen, teen, young adult, etc...... Oh, that's right, it's not because I was depressed and repressed - it was because I was a bad seed who was rebellious and angry for no reason - cause they gave me everything and anything I ever asked for. Shame I didn't ask for love. Oh wait, I actually did once, but it didn't do any good.

I would have moved in with my first mom in a heartbeat - I would have been much better off.


this is much like my story except I never asked those questions, I wasn't brave enough
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« Reply #23 on: May 05, 2007, 12:44:57 pm »


Thing is, financially, my mother wasn't bad off.

Neither was mine - but I couldn't have known that at the time.  It might have killed me to know that.
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Addie Pray
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« Reply #24 on: May 05, 2007, 12:47:42 pm »

When I asked, my a-folks out and out liked to me.

I got the young girl that couldn't take care of me thing, my first Mom was 38 when I was born.  They knew that.

I just don't understand it, the lying or closed adoptions. 
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dory
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« Reply #25 on: May 05, 2007, 12:51:11 pm »

this is much like my story except I never asked those questions, I wasn't brave enough

I didn't even know I was being brave for asking. It was just an innocent question from an innocent child. Little did I know my parents would react more like children then the child I was.

Pisses me off.

You know, when I was in my early teens my father took me to lunch one day and gave me this huge sob story about how I should be nicer to my mother because of all she went through to get me. He told me she had numerous miscarriages, a stillborn child and had to have an abortion cause she would have died without it - and then they adopted me.

Flash forward to my 30s - and after my 4th miscarriage - I'm talking to my mother and I say something like "well you know how hard this is since you had multiple miscarriages" - she said "huh" - yeh, come to find out she never had any - nor the abortion. She did have a stillborn child but my dad piled the other stuff on I guess for the extra effect.
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« Reply #26 on: May 05, 2007, 12:54:01 pm »

this is much like my story except I never asked those questions, I wasn't brave enough

I didn't even know I was being brave for asking. It was just an innocent question from an innocent child. Little did I know my parents would react more like children then the child I was.

Pisses me off.

You know, when I was in my early teens my father took me to lunch one day and gave me this huge sob story about how I should be nicer to my mother because of all she went through to get me. He told me she had numerous miscarriages, a stillborn child and had to have an abortion cause she would have died without it - and then they adopted me.

Flash forward to my 30s - and after my 4th miscarriage - I'm talking to my mother and I say something like "well you know how hard this is since you had multiple miscarriages" - she said "huh" - yeh, come to find out she never had any - nor the abortion. She did have a stillborn child but my dad piled the other stuff on I guess for the extra effect.


UGH!!!!  All these secrets and lies, secrets and lies, secrets and lies.  Secrets & lies = complete lack of respect for children
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Stewie
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« Reply #27 on: May 05, 2007, 11:14:45 pm »

When I asked, my a-folks out and out liked to me.

I got the young girl that couldn't take care of me thing, my first Mom was 38 when I was born.  They knew that.

I just don't understand it, the lying or closed adoptions. 
Same here, the lies. The "she's young and couldn't do it, tell them that so they get it" I remember being told she was 15. Then when I was older (probably 15 or 16 myself) she was 19. Reality, she was 21. I was pregnant at 21 myself, had my kid at 22. Made it work. Ouch.

Infertility is the scariest world issue to me, truly, it is pervasive. Its coming up on 25% of couples are unable to naturally have children. That FREAKS me out coupled with the entitlement of society. It only means MORE adoption. Next time my firm puts $$ in my keogh plan, I am directing it into stocks that are working towards infertility cures. Because I am SICK that WE are seen as infertility cures.
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gabbymoggy
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« Reply #28 on: May 06, 2007, 09:07:50 pm »

I remember being told she was really really young (she was 19)...15 or less to me was really really young to me. So I have to admit she was older than I expected cos they used the 'she was very young exscuse'

She just had really bad judgement in men, she married when I was 5 and went on to have two daughter and within 5 years was divorced and a single mother...

I found the nonid that my aprents had when I was quite young (though I had to read my adads hand writing so some I couldnt read (like her age) I was probably about 9. It was exactly what I got when I was older and requested my nonid and file from social services.

My adad had written it all down so i suspect he had a copy of the original at some stage. My afather worked in the IT area of said social service. And had been know to step in for my agrandmother when she had problems dealing with them - they froze my agrandmothers accounts when her husband died and wouldnt give her any benefit either saying she had too much money (in dead husbands frozen joint accounts! bloody bureaucrats) so i would not have been surprised that he had a copy of the original...except he didnt copy the bit that said I was 'no real beauty' obviously he didnt agree with the doctor about that  Tongue

Funnily enough I now work for the same social service as well.

I do remember when I was younger my amum insisting she was my mother a few times, mostly when I was being most annoying, or being harrased by my brother and insisting I wanted to go live with my real mother...usually followed by getting exasperated (remember woman who spent months in psych ward here!) and over reacting. Still as I got older she did get better about it.

Funnily enough infertility is still able to get us disagreeing....not always but sometimes she will say she thinks someone should adopt rather than screw up their body with medication for infertility (she's a homeopath) but at least she acknowledges before she says it that she knows I will disagree.  I am quite comfortable with people **** up their own bodies for their own infertility. I knew years ago should I ever want to have children what infertility treatment entailed and therefore if I chose to wait longer to have children what it would mean.

So many people blindly believe they will be fertile into their 40's and will argue with people who tell them they will not be. And yes my research into comes from working with fertility specialist, especially annoying is the fact that the patients claim the docs are ripping them off etc etc but the docs tell them the simple stuff such as about 80% of unexplained infertility would not exist if people removed stress from their lives before trying to conceive. Things like give up fulltime work...or go on a really long holiday etc. But people don't want to hear it, they want scientific explanations and reasons, not you are stressing way too much.

Off soap box on my pet peeve....
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HeatherUK
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« Reply #29 on: May 07, 2007, 03:02:44 pm »

I can't tell you how much reading your posts validates my long supressed feelings.  I wish I was able to verbalize as well as you guys, but I identify, identify, identify

As a child I had so many questions, and never brave enough to ask.  When I did occasionally mention it I was told "we wanted a girl" (they had two boys of their own already) and they said that "babies don't remember their mothers"  My parents had no information whatsoever about my natural parents so anything I was told was pure speculation.  The fantasies that went on in my head! God, they could have so easily been prevented by having information and openness

I love my amum and she knows I'm searching.  She's having a hard time accepting and understanding the pain I've been through, but she's trying and I know she feels very guilty now that she knows my real mother's situation at the time of my birth (from my non-id)  I love her because she's mentally balanced and not threatened - it would be so much harder if she gave me the guilt trip about searching - there seem to be so many phycho adopters out there, I think I got off lightly!  Mine were just well meaning but clueless.
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