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Adopted children need to know their mothers...NOW!


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Author Topic: Adopted children need to know their mothers...NOW!  (Read 710 times)
Michelle
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« on: May 05, 2007, 07:20:28 am »

I read adopters posting about adoptees asking questions about their mothers, identity etc. and I find myself getting frustrated with how the child's real needs are dismissed or whitewashed.

When I was a child and I asked my amother about my mother - I asked because I wanted to know my mother, plain and simple...I didn't only want to know her hair colour and body type....I wanted to see her, feel her and talk to her. When I asked my amother for the one thounsandth time what she remembered of my mother....I wanted to see for myself. A description was accepted as better than nothing, but I wanted to KNOW MY MOTHER. I WANTED TO **** KNOW MY OWN MOTHER How dare others feed me scraps of information about MY IDENTITY. A child wants to know why their named changed....why was it necessary to change their name??

For me it was like banging my head against a wall and not one person noticed. I just don't get this telling children bits and pieces of who they are and where they come from, when it IS POSSIBLE to allow a child to know their family. Do adopters have any idea how frustrating this is? How, after time, the adoptee just caves to the powers greater than them and keeps everything inside? How they eventually just stop asking because they know it's a lost cause? OMG, it's mental torture to deny a child contact with their mother and family. What's the point? Really, what's the **** point?

Children aren't just "curious" about their mothers and who they look like....this a fundamental need in human beings.....to be and feel connected to their people. I can't stand how adoption sweeps this need under the carpet....adoption is not about creating new families....WE HAVE A FAMILY!

When kids ask about their mother....that means they want to know their mothers.....if mother and child become close that child wants to return to her/his mother and mother also wants this....THEN THE TWO ARE REUNITED.

Closed adoptions should be illegal. It should be against the law seal a person's identity, not fabricate it and lock it away.

« Last Edit: May 05, 2007, 07:22:38 am by Michelle » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2007, 08:14:33 am »

So sad, and so true.
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« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2007, 08:32:37 am »

Closed adoptions should absolutly not be allowed.  I am in TOTAL agreeance on that one. 
However, sometimes things just get screwed up, adoptees want to go off and live with their biological parents at say... 12 or so... bparents want to steal back their given up children.  It happens.  Not that I am saying this is such a BAD thing, after all, I think living with your natural family is so much better than living with your unnatural family, sometimes its just not the right situation.  (not in all cases, some)
I think closed adoptions should be absolutly out of the question!!!
They need to make some kind of way to share important information, pictures, letters, gifts and then when both parties are ready, the actual reunion. 
I think all adoptee's should AT LEAST know their natural mothers first name, have a picture of her, have important family information, and information on the likes, dislikes and personalities of their natural family.  I think it should be updated through letters to each other.  Whether the actual addresses are known or its through a middleman of some sort.  I think the adoptees should be able to write and recieve letters directly from their natural mother/ siblings/ father again whether the actual address is known or through a middleman of some sort. 
I also believe this would help adoptive parents, because they also could be in contact, and when their adopted child is driving them nuts because, for example, they wont ever wear shoes.  The natural mother can say, oh yeah I never wear shoes either. 
Maybe everyone would be happier.
Just my thoughts.
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« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2007, 08:41:02 am »

I don't know anyone involved in open adoption where the adoptee is at or approaching adolescence but I've often wondered what happens at this time. I know a lot of kids in divorced families want to go live with the noncustodial parent when they reach that age. I don't know enough about it; how long has adoption where the child knows both moms and has a relationship with both been around? All of the blogs I read have very young children.
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Michelle
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« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2007, 09:08:31 am »

They need to make some kind of way to share important information, pictures, letters, gifts and then when both parties are ready, the actual reunion. 
I think all adoptee's should AT LEAST know their natural mothers first name, have a picture of her, have important family information, and information on the likes, dislikes and personalities of their natural family.  I think it should be updated through letters to each other.  Whether the actual addresses are known or its through a middleman of some sort.  I think the adoptees should be able to write and recieve letters directly from their natural mother/ siblings/ father again whether the actual address is known or through a middleman of some sort. 


Why is a middleperson required....if the adoptee knows her/his mother's name and there is an address - why can't they spend time together? I am talking about having a mother/child relationship - not snippets of information here and there or six month updates with pics and letters to feel some sense of genetic connectedness - this is a tease - dangling the carrot - I mean mother and child together, in person. This is why adoption marketed as way to create a family is messed up....children have a family, that family is very alive for the child....it's because adoption means ownership of a child, a replacement for a bio child. This is wrong. No child should have to fill a void for someone else. Where one void is filled, how many new ones are created?


Why on earth would a child be denied contact with their mother, father and people? How could adopters do this to a child?

And if a mother "steals" back her child, it's probably because her child was stolen from her, first, by the abduction agency and adopters using the most frightening, unscrupulous tactics imaginable.
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« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2007, 09:18:38 am »

I AGREE WTH MICHELLE.........    Smiley I WANT MY MOMMY...AND SHE IS DEAD. DAMN IT....WILL I GET TO BE WITH HER IN HEAVEN?Huh??
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« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2007, 09:57:40 am »

I read adopters posting about adoptees asking questions about their mothers, identity etc. and I find myself getting frustrated with how the child's real needs are dismissed or whitewashed.

When I was a child and I asked my amother about my mother - I asked because I wanted to know my mother, plain and simple...I didn't only want to know her hair colour and body type....I wanted to see her, feel her and talk to her. When I asked my amother for the one thounsandth time what she remembered of my mother....I wanted to see for myself. A description was accepted as better than nothing, but I wanted to KNOW MY MOTHER. I WANTED TO **** KNOW MY OWN MOTHER How dare others feed me scraps of information about MY IDENTITY. A child wants to know why their named changed....why was it necessary to change their name??

For me it was like banging my head against a wall and not one person noticed. I just don't get this telling children bits and pieces of who they are and where they come from, when it IS POSSIBLE to allow a child to know their family. Do adopters have any idea how frustrating this is? How, after time, the adoptee just caves to the powers greater than them and keeps everything inside? How they eventually just stop asking because they know it's a lost cause? OMG, it's mental torture to deny a child contact with their mother and family. What's the point? Really, what's the **** point?

Children aren't just "curious" about their mothers and who they look like....this a fundamental need in human beings.....to be and feel connected to their people. I can't stand how adoption sweeps this need under the carpet....adoption is not about creating new families....WE HAVE A FAMILY!

When kids ask about their mother....that means they want to know their mothers.....if mother and child become close that child wants to return to her/his mother and mother also wants this....THEN THE TWO ARE REUNITED.

Closed adoptions should be illegal. It should be against the law seal a person's identity, not fabricate it and lock it away.



You are so right, Michelle.  This bits & pieces of minor information ... well it's kind of like being teased with spoonfuls of pudding.  Want more?  Hahaha no, we're giving it to the dogs instead.  NO MORE INFORMATION for YOU!!
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« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2007, 10:26:05 am »

MORE LIKE "S & M" AND "B & D" IF YOU ASK ME..INSANE AND EVIL....SO TIRED OF FIGHTING AGAINST EVIL....SO TIRED.....
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« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2007, 11:05:38 am »

MORE LIKE "S & M" AND "B & D" IF YOU ASK ME..INSANE AND EVIL....SO TIRED OF FIGHTING AGAINST EVIL....SO TIRED.....

It IS insane and evil.  No argument here. 
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dory
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« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2007, 11:13:09 am »

Hi Michelle-
I couldn't agree with you more. I got scraps of scraps and a dumptruck load of guilt for just getting that. I was told I was adopted at age nine - I remember being so confused - I just didn't understand.

me: Where's my mother?

amom: I'M YOUR MOTHER.

me: Well, what do you know about her?

amom: They are married but to poor to take care of a child, she is studying to be a nurse and your father likes to swim. WE ARE YOUR PARENTS NOW, THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO TALK ABOUT.

That was the extent of explaining my origins to me - that's all I got.

A year later I checked a book out of the library on adoptees searching for family. My aparents found it. The guilt, oh my god the guilt.

WHY ARE YOU HURTING US LIKE THIS?

I never spoke of adoption again. Gee, I wonder why I was such a **** up pre-teen, teen, young adult, etc...... Oh, that's right, it's not because I was depressed and repressed - it was because I was a bad seed who was rebellious and angry for no reason - cause they gave me everything and anything I ever asked for. Shame I didn't ask for love. Oh wait, I actually did once, but it didn't do any good.

I would have moved in with my first mom in a heartbeat - I would have been much better off.
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Sarah
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« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2007, 11:27:46 am »

Absolutely! What is even more evil is when they (the adoptive aprents) make promises to the natural mum about being in the child's life and then they cut her out because they "can't handle it". Because of their insecurity. Because of their emotional immaturity. Because they are jealous and only thinking of their comfort, not the child's.
Selfish is what they are. So selfish and evil, they drive me to the brink of madness. I am starting to see this a lot with all of the open adoptions. I read somewhere that they get closed 80% of the time because the aparents want to own the child and the child's other mother is too much of a reminder that the child really wasn't born to them. So I don't even know if open adoption is the answer. It is hella better for the child than closed adoption, but I think that it is adoption itself that is the real issue.

I will tell you how it was like growing up in my house. If I or anyone else mentioned my other mother, my amum would become very defensive and jealous. I had pictures of bmum and I knew her name, that she lived in Ohio, that she had other children. We did not have visits. This was not my choice at all! It was at amum's insistence because she "couldn't handle it".At nine years old, my father made a comment in passing that I resembled my bmum, and amum literally burdst into teas and ran out of the room. Iwas like oh my god what a nut job, even a 9 years old I knew that this was not what you do to a child. Even at 9 years old I knew that it was ALL ABOUT AMUM and she didn't give a rat arsefuck about ME. had she cared, she would have let me know my bfamily and grow up with them in my life. Not just in pictures. Not just knowing their names. But actually being with them in their lives. I needed my birth family as much as I need the air I breathe., oh God I craved them , but She actually thought that I would love her less because of it. Wht she didn`t know is that I already loved my birth mother. All the stupid games and keeping us apart did nothing to take away the love I already had for my other mother. All the jealousy in the world could not force me to love her. I already loved muyamum. And I loved my bmum. But I don;t think amum loved me because she couldn't put my needs above her own for one second and let me know my other family. I didn't feel like my bmum loved me either because how in the HELL can you just let your baby go? Both of my mothers put their own needs above mine. Now that I am a parent of my beautiful girly baby, I find this absolutely unconscionable that ANYONE could give away her child and I find it equally unconscionable that my amum and dad TOOK me away from my mother. I don't know which of them is the bigger **** at this point.

There was a point because of this disregard by both mothers that i felt completely unlovable, completely unworthy of liviing. I have said many times to people who tell me I am so lucky to have been wanted os much that my parents went through so much to get me, that doesn't matter. Amum told me all the time she loved me, but I never felt love. I think the problem was that any time a mother leaves her child no matter what the reason, the child then feels unlovable. My birthmother left me and my adoptive mother tried to force me in every way to be the child she couldn't have with her husband. she failed. I will never be that child. I will never be the child my bmum was supposed to have or the sister that my siblings were supposed to have. It's all gone now....all gone.

I grew up the only child. Thing is that I had brothers and sister but I wasn't allowed them. I wanted siblings so badly that it hurt. I had them I was denied them. My grandparents are already dead, so I will never know them. This is stuff that you just can't take back and people don't understand how damaging it is to a child to deny him his blood family. doesn't make the adoptive family any less, but adoption is what put my amum in the mindset that she owned me and I better be loyal to her and only her  

Anyway I grew up feeling like I couldn't talk about my feelings because whn I did my mother became upset and offended that I would dare think about the who bore me   I felt shame. Like there was something wrong about being adopted because we couldn't talk about it, I couldn't see my family (which made me feel like I must have come from bad blood if they didn't let me have contact with them) and I couldn't say I looked like them because then I would upset mother  Wink Azn
I hate it when I write so much, tell me to plug my gob.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2007, 11:34:20 am by Sarah » Report Spam   Logged
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« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2007, 11:28:33 am »

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I would have moved in with my first mom in a heartbeat - I would have been much better off.

Oh ****, Dory, me too! 

I couldn't have cared LESS about finances, "opportunities," stuff....

While it's true that children need a "sense of belonging," adopters believe that belonging to THEM will fix that.  It doesn't.  We need to be where WE belong - to feel whole, to feel REAL.  "Belonging" to strangers is NOT belonging.

Ignoring red
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Michelle
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« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2007, 11:35:25 am »

Open adoption (if that's what we call it) has been around since the beginning of time. Raising other people's children isn't a new concept. Raising them because people need a baby to make their life complete is what's taken over. Sure, that's been happening for ages, too, (men needed heirs and sons to carry on a family name, women had to experience motherhood), but we know that human beings, by nature, want to feel a blood connection/bond and lineage to other humans. Why else would PAPS go through the experience of inferility treatments if blood connections weren't important? That blows me away, actually, people want their own children, can't have them, so they adopt, then disregrard that child's need for her/his bio connections. DUH!

I know one adoptee in an open adoption who slept with his family's picture. One time after a visit with his family he ran to the car to get in it an go home with them....he couldn't understand why he wasn't going home with his parents and siblings. Another man I know (he's probably 25 now) was rasied in an "open adoption" and he hates his adopters and his mother. He pleases all of them and smiles like the good little adoptee, but he is full of rage and hurt.

I'm sure there's many adoptees in "open adoptions" who are doing just fine, perhaps having the relationship (and I mean face-to-face, not photographs) with their mothers/family, is helping to prevent many of the issues we adoptees from closed adoptions experienced - I don't know, either. However, there's still the issue of being taken from one's mother and people and plopped into the home of strangers for no other reason than those strangers need a baby. (I won't get into how the baby is adopted and taken from its mother...I think we all know about that). How can adopters effectively explain why a child is in their home? Love? God? Miracles?

And, yes....there are the parents who are sprinkling crack on their kid's corn flakes just for the hell of it....do we keep a child in this environment just to preserve a child's identity and heritage? Need I answer? Using adoption, though, as a method to cure infertility is wrong - open or closed adoption.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2007, 11:39:36 am by Michelle » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2007, 11:43:01 am »

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One time after a visit with his family he ran to the car to get in it an go home with them....he couldn't understand why he wasn't going home with his parents and siblings.

OMG, Michelle, this made me cry. 
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« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2007, 11:44:05 am »

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amom: They are married but to poor to take care of a child, she is studying to be a nurse and your father likes to swim. WE ARE YOUR PARENTS NOW, THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO TALK ABOUT.
It looks as if you amother actually wanted to delude herself into thinking that she did not adopt one of those (hushed tones) *bastard children* ? Or is that the story they gave to everyone?
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