think theres anything wrong with looking for a relationship?

[Gershom]

Lately, I have been searching for my foster family. And I BELIEVE i have pinned them down, meaning i know where they live, and I have a number for them. I have called 4 times in the last 2 days, each time with no answer of course and I'm too chicken to leave a message.

Its brought up alot of feelings for me for when I searched for my family and found them in 2001.

You know, i WAS searching for a relationship. And you don't hear adoptees saying that often. WHY? Why is it not okay to pursue a relationship with the woman and man that you came from? I realize we must protect ourselves because you don't know mentally where those you're searching for will be ( meaning, you dont' know if they're ready for you to find them or whatever. ) But is it still NOT okay for adoptees to WANT to know the people they came from? Not just searching for answers, or for medical information, whats so wrong with just wanting to know who and where we came from and getting to know eachother and growing together from there?

I don't think theres anything wrong with it. I'm not saying i'm entitled to it, but I am saying its okay in my opinion to search for someone because you want to get to know them. We have a huge connection no matter where we've gone after our separation, we're still connected in great amazing ways, and although many can close down and shove those loving feelings so far away, i'm not letting go of mine, and I don't think anyone should have to.

Maybe I am only able to SAY this now, because when i was searching, i was really a different person, . I was scared, timid, feared rejection by them, didn't know what to expect, and only wanted to tell them "thank you for giving me life"
you know, the normal protocal for adoptees to live by. Just thank everyone for being here, and apologize for everything thereafter. It was a really insecure life. Well, actually not THAT much has changed LMAO.

Anyways, i'd be lying if i didn't say that I wasn't searching for a relationship. And I am doing that NOW as I search for my foster family. Do i finally get to see what I looked like younger than 6 months of age? Do i finally get to know about my infant life? what was i like, did i cry alot? was i in a crib? was i sweet and calm like my daughters are/were. Was I scared? like i feel infants who lose their mothers are? What WAS i like? And did they really want to keep me, like my aparents say? did they stop fostering children after me going because they couldn't stand to say goodbye to another child. Did they really love ME that much? Will they welcome me into their lives? Did they think about me these last 27 years? Do they even remember me? Who ARE these people who cared for me for 6 crucial months in my life? And what was our life like together? What are THEY like? what do THEY LIKE? what are they into? and what are their favorite things?

I want to know these things about them. I want to reach out and KNOW them. I don't want just a little bit of info here and a little there to fill my gaps I want to KNOW them. Is there anything wrong with that?

just some honest reflections off my heart...

[Lillie]

Gersh, I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all.  In fact I've often thought of my foster parents, who had me for the first 4 months of my life.  I haven't let myself think about that time of my life very much, though, because it's just too hard to deal with...the thought of coming from my mother, staying in the hospital for a couple of weeks, then finally getting big enough to be discharged and go where?  To that foster family? 

I'd like to know about my infant self as well.  Maybe they know something about my adoption that I haven't been told.  Maybe they know my "real" name.  Who knows??

I wouldn't have a clue as to how to begin searching for them, though.  The adoption agency won't release anything from my file to me.  I doubt I will EVER get that.  So it would be searching blind.  Lucky you, you could at least track yours down!

Good luck with this...I hope they receive you warmly.  I bet they have thought of you a lot over the years, how can you care for a baby and not wonder how that little baby grew up?  If she was ok?  They've just got to be happy to hear from you when you finally do connect with them.

[Stewie]

Absolutely nothing wrong with it, and I give you tons of props and credit for pursuing it. GREAT!    I hope you are warmly received.

I think when I was searching for my mom I wouldn't admit to myself or anyone that I was searching for a relationship - it was too scary and I was too guarded to open my heart up to admitting that. But it is SUCH a valid reason.  The MOST valid reason. And six months is a LOOONNNGGGG time. I mean, people host exchange students for 6 weeks and they become "extended family" for a lifetime. It is ABSOLUTELY VALID to want a relationship with your foster family.

We ARE connected, and there are PLENTY of other examples where people actively seek out others that have had some sort of life connection, even less important than parent/child....veterans of wars, for example, or shipwreck survivors, or organ donor/recipient families, (WOW all traumatic things...hunh...guess we all need to stick together when we've been thru something hard)

[Justice]

Gershom,  Your description of wanting a relationship sound so simple and REAL.  People like relationships.  People that foster a baby must like relationships.  It sounds like a good move and I look forward to hearing how it works out.   

[Theresa]

I never said it out of fear.

I know I kept my desire for a relationship secret for so long. I hid behind the "I only want my medical information" because that's somewhat acceptible.

Then I hid behind the non-id because that's state law that I'm entitled to.

Then I hid behind the 'just a last name', just so I know.

All the hiding was just fear. Fear of having the usual blithering garbage thrown at me. And also the #1 biggie, that my family won't want to meet me, and that my a-mom would have something to gloat about.

But six monthis IS a long time. I would think they'd be overjoyed to meet you.

[Marsha]

ooh I just posted my replies to this on the SofA forum. You guys are saying some of the things I mentioned in my second post on the subject!