Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change
October 22, 2019, 07:21:20 pm
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: IMPORTANT AND EXCITING NEWS!!!STAY TUNED...
 
  Home Help Search Gallery Links Staff List Login Register  

Can I do this???


Pages: [1] 2   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Can I do this???  (Read 610 times)
MindyRambo
Prospective Adoptive Mommy
Newbie
*

Karma: -1
Offline Offline

Posts: 26


United We Stand


« on: April 26, 2007, 08:24:47 am »

Hello Everyone Smiley

I don't know if this is the right place, so you can move it if you like...

Ever since I started researching adoption, there have been a whole hell of a lot things that I've been thinking about contantly, and obsessively...

Honestly, I really think adoption should be a last resort.  I don't believe in adopting children that have living parents... I don't even really believe in adopting children who are abandonned because there is no way for me to honor their heritage if I know nothing about why/how they were abandonned.  The only adoption I would pursue is orphan adoption, where it is proven that the child has no living relatives, and is residing in an orphanage.

Something that has been really really bothering me for several months now, is names.  I don't want to change my child's name AT ALL... I want it to be exactly as it is when I adopt the child.  I realize this means that they may not have a known last name.  And that the name they are given may have been given by the orphanage.

If my child has a known surname and given name, I DO NOT want to change it... I do not want to give him my name and try to make him into me... I want to preserve the only thing he will have left that's part of his identity...

Does anyone know, am I legally allowed to leave his name as is (surname) do I HAVE to give him my last name? 
Report Spam   Logged

Melinda
Newbie
*

Karma: 8
Offline Offline

Posts: 41


« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2007, 09:04:58 am »

  GREAT IDEA...WISH MY A-MOTHER HAD DONE THAT WITH ME..THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO CLUELESS ABOUT MYSELF...GO TO THE ADOPTIONSHOW.COM AND LISTEN TO DOUG HENDERSON TALK ABOUT THE ADOPTEE AND SENSE OF SELF CONCEPT..AS IT STANDS TODAY..OUR SELF CONCEPT IS LIKE SWISS CHEESE DUE TO THE CHANGING OF NAMES AND DENIAL OF ORIGINAL HERITIAGE AND PARENTS
Report Spam   Logged
MindyRambo
Prospective Adoptive Mommy
Newbie
*

Karma: -1
Offline Offline

Posts: 26


United We Stand


« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2007, 09:08:37 am »

..AS IT STANDS TODAY..OUR SELF CONCEPT IS LIKE SWISS CHEESE DUE TO THE CHANGING OF NAMES AND DENIAL OF ORIGINAL HERITIAGE AND PARENTS

Excellent Analogy Melinda... I think it's just sick and sad, and we have to change it!

So I guess you don't know if I can do this legally?

Report Spam   Logged
Addie Pray
yeah, that's right
Administrator
Hero Member
*

Karma: 16
Offline Offline

Posts: 318



« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2007, 09:11:14 am »

I believe you can put whatever name you want on a child's BC.  Family names are only a tradition.
Report Spam   Logged
Marsha
Full Member
*

Karma: 16
Offline Offline

Posts: 167


Cheap Bastard


WWW
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2007, 09:20:59 am »

I wish I had kept my daughter's last name, at least as a part of her name. Her name was Ji Miao Xin (Ji being the last name) and I named her MiaoXin Rain Roberts. My son's name is Tu Qi (no middle name, Tu is the last name). He's 8 and I'm just crazy enough to have actually asked him what he wants his official name to be. I'll find out what he says when we get there and honor his wishes. My only concern is that if he wants it to still just be Tu Qi that my daughter may grow up and be upset that she isn't still Ji Miao Xin. Not upset at HER of course, at myself. Being that I was adopted by my father's parents, my last name never changed. Unfortunately it wasn't something that even crossed my mind until it was too late. For the record though, their last names were given by the orphanage. We don't know the last names of their parents since they were both abandoned.
Report Spam   Logged
MindyRambo
Prospective Adoptive Mommy
Newbie
*

Karma: -1
Offline Offline

Posts: 26


United We Stand


« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2007, 10:09:04 am »

See Marsha, that's the thing I was thinking about... I don't want to keep my child's last name to preserve his heritage only to learn that it was just a name given by the orphanage... So it's very possible, that even if I keep the surname they have, it won't really be part of his true identity :(  And his identity will still be lost :(

I suppose Marsha, if MiaoXin really decides she wants to keep her original surname, you could always change her name when she's old enough to decide, couldn't you?

Thanks Addie, I didn't know that... For some reason, I was under the impression that you had to give the child you adopt your last name... I don't know why, but I had also heard that while travelling and stuff, it could pose a real problem if your child doesn't have the same last name as you... Although I suppose if you carried around the adoption decree you would be fine?  I dunno, I'm so confused!  Thanks for the input guys, I really appreciate it Smiley
Report Spam   Logged
Marsha
Full Member
*

Karma: 16
Offline Offline

Posts: 167


Cheap Bastard


WWW
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2007, 10:33:42 am »


I suppose Marsha, if MiaoXin really decides she wants to keep her original surname, you could always change her name when she's old enough to decide, couldn't you?


**** no, she's gonna be grateful I gave her my last name! I mean, yeah of course. I'm going to make sure she always knows that she's welcome to change it when she's older. I say older because my kids have all gone through stages where they decided they hated their name and wanted to be Kayley or Alex. I'd hate for her to decide MiaoXin is a bad name just because all of her friends are named Sophie and want to change it, then realize when she's older how beautiful her real name is. Same for Qi. I am considering changing the spelling of his name, since its pronounce Chee not Ki or Kwi, and he doesn't write in pinyin anyways, he writes it in chinese characters so either way its spelled in english it'll be new to him. Again, that'll be something I ask him.
Report Spam   Logged
dory
Suburban Rebel
Privileged
Hero Member
*

Karma: 25
Offline Offline

Posts: 371



« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2007, 10:34:25 am »

My son has a different last name then me and I've traveled with him without any problem. In fact, I was kinda taken aback that it was so easy - he really could have been anyone's kid.

I've talked with adoptees who felt that the names they were given at orphanages were still very important to them - because they were given to them in the country they were born in - which to them mattered. And, depending on the child and the orphanage, etc., some are very bonded with their caregivers so it is still a connection to them. The life they live between the life with first family and life with adoptive family is still their life - still a part of them.
Report Spam   Logged

I saw my life and wondered what the hell I had been living.
-Nick Cave
MindyRambo
Prospective Adoptive Mommy
Newbie
*

Karma: -1
Offline Offline

Posts: 26


United We Stand


« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2007, 10:41:32 am »

Same for Qi. I am considering changing the spelling of his name, since its pronounce Chee not Ki or Kwi, and he doesn't write in pinyin anyways, he writes it in chinese characters so either way its spelled in english it'll be new to him. Again, that'll be something I ask him.

That interesting, I always thought it was pronounced Ki...

How do you pronounce MiaoXin?  Do u just call her Mia?

I've talked with adoptees who felt that the names they were given at orphanages were still very important to them - because they were given to them in the country they were born in - which to them mattered. And, depending on the child and the orphanage, etc., some are very bonded with their caregivers so it is still a connection to them. The life they live between the life with first family and life with adoptive family is still their life - still a part of them.

Thanks for sharing that Dory, that's what I was wondering!  Good to know!
Report Spam   Logged
MindyRambo
Prospective Adoptive Mommy
Newbie
*

Karma: -1
Offline Offline

Posts: 26


United We Stand


« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2007, 10:44:46 am »

Man someone really doesn't like me!  I noticed that the 1st post I made here, I was already down 3 Karma pts :(
Report Spam   Logged
Marsha
Full Member
*

Karma: 16
Offline Offline

Posts: 167


Cheap Bastard


WWW
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2007, 10:58:03 am »


How do you pronounce MiaoXin?  Do u just call her Mia?


We call her Ahh-sahn actually. Other people call her Mia because they can't pronounce MiaoXin. I only call her Mia when I'm talking about her, never when I'm talking to her. If I talked about AhSan online everyone would go "who??" cause I referred to her as Mia while we were waiting for her. We had planned to keep her name MiaoXin, which is the Mandarin pronounciation and what was on all of her documents, and calling her Mia for short. When we met her, we found out she had been called AhSan her whole life and didn't recognize Miao Xin anymore than she recognized the name Mia or Betty Sue. San is the way Xin is said in Cantonese, and the Ah part is tacked on to make it a nickname, like y is tacked on to like Danny or Jenny to make them nicknames. The papers were already filled out though so we kept MiaoXin but call her Ahsan. Confusing, no? I wish someone had told me BEFORE we filled out the papers that she was Ahsan instead of MiaoXin!
MiaoXin is Meow Sheen, btw. I've thought well, maybe I should change it to AhSan or Ahsan MiaoXin Rain now that I know, but I'm going to let her make that decision when she's older. She may want her name to match what was on her papers and keep Ahsan as a nickname, I don't know. 
Report Spam   Logged
MindyRambo
Prospective Adoptive Mommy
Newbie
*

Karma: -1
Offline Offline

Posts: 26


United We Stand


« Reply #11 on: April 26, 2007, 11:29:02 am »

Thanks Marsha Smiley

Very cool, and ummm yes a little confusing!

Meow Sheen... Hmmm when I saw it a few times, it sounds kinda cool!  Rolls nicely off the tongue.
Report Spam   Logged
MindyRambo
Prospective Adoptive Mommy
Newbie
*

Karma: -1
Offline Offline

Posts: 26


United We Stand


« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2007, 06:41:51 am »

Thanks Late Discovery...

I'll have to check that out then, I actually live in QC, Canada...

When you say some other states don't provide that option, do you mean the only option in those states is that they ammend the BC whether you like it or not?  That sucks...

I'm sorry but I don't want my child's BC to say I gave birth to them!!! 
Report Spam   Logged
Michelle
Hostess with the Mostest
Privileged
Full Member
*

Karma: 12
Offline Offline

Posts: 95



« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2007, 05:29:07 am »

Hi MR,

I was adopted at age ten, but had been with my a-family since the age of two. (Was a Crown Ward, so I was owned by the state (but my mother lived only five miles away).

When a-parents registered me in school, it was under their name - they didn't want me to be teased or whatever because I had a different last name. That was in the '60s, though....and things have changed a great deal since then. If I needed medical treatment, they registered me in my real name. They only adopted me because it was easier to travel and thought I would have less problems getting a passport and other documents as I got older, and beccause I was born in the US, but was living in Canada, they also made me a Canadian citizen at the same time they adopted me...giving me their last name seemed, at the time, a way to make things simpler.

My a-parents had no idea though when the adoption was finalized that my birth certificate would be sealed and I wouldn't have access to it.  In fact, just last month I told my a-mother that Illinois (where I was born) won't give me my birth certificate (even tho I was adopted in Ontario) and she didn't believe me lol

Be careful, too, with the word abandoned. Orphanages and adoption agencies may tell people that a child has been abandoned (look at the recent adoption by serial adopter Angeline Jolie with the boy from Vietnam....the mother and family came forward after hearing about the adoption, but Jolie said, or was told the child was abandoned). It's good to demand the orphanage give any info they have, and if the child does have her/his family name, then try and locate the family first and see what their circumstances are since the child was placed or taken. I worked in an orphanage in Romania in 2001, and I asked the director about the children's families....she said it was really rare to have a child that had been left with no name or information....it did happen, but not often. Maybe in other countries it's more common, but there it wasn't.

Abandoned is not a good word, either; I imagine a mother and/or family being in such a bad state that leaving their child anonymously was what they thought was their only option at that time. We don't know their circumstances and abandoned sounds like the mother just didn't want the child, period, then or ever. Sometimes the father or the mother's parents take the child and leave it at an orphanage, when that's not what the mother wanted. Maybe it's me, but I don't believe that a mother who leaves a child anonymously, does so because she doesn't care....it's done more out of fear and desperation. The system of adoption is so crooked that I think the first story one hears about a child is usually not the truth. We just have to look at adoption in North America to know how corrupt it is and that it's based on lies and myths.
Report Spam   Logged

Adoption is testimony to what the human psyche can endure...
Marsha
Full Member
*

Karma: 16
Offline Offline

Posts: 167


Cheap Bastard


WWW
« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2007, 01:13:55 pm »


Abandoned is not a good word, either; I imagine a mother and/or family being in such a bad state that leaving their child anonymously was what they thought was their only option at that time. We don't know their circumstances and abandoned sounds like the mother just didn't want the child, period, then or ever. Sometimes the father or the mother's parents take the child and leave it at an orphanage, when that's not what the mother wanted. Maybe it's me, but I don't believe that a mother who leaves a child anonymously, does so because she doesn't care....it's done more out of fear and desperation. The system of adoption is so crooked that I think the first story one hears about a child is usually not the truth. We just have to look at adoption in North America to know how corrupt it is and that it's based on lies and myths.

I absolutely agree with you here.
Report Spam   Logged
Pages: [1] 2   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Bookmark this site! | Upgrade This Forum
SMF For Free - Create your own Forum
Powered by SMF | SMF © 2016, Simple Machines
Privacy Policy