Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change
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 21 
 on: May 09, 2007, 11:09:45 pm 
Started by Melinda - Last post by SoloZolo
Quote
The website says 57 children are abandoned a day...20,000 a year.  That seems awfully high.

I agree.  It's insanely off.  Someone cooked the books to get that number. 

 22 
 on: May 09, 2007, 10:45:08 pm 
Started by Melinda - Last post by Nina
Mmm.  The website says 57 children are abandoned a day...20,000 a year.  That seems awfully high.  That translates into a LOT of infant adoptions, no???

Here's a quote from the website: 

"Project CuddleŽ was able to retain an attorney, a family wanting to rescue and adopt the baby, as well as an obstetrician, hospital and social counselor. Debbe Magnusen coached this woman through the delivery of a beautiful baby girl. After the baby was delivered into the arms of the adoptive parents, the birth mother said to Debbe. "I feel like I've done something good for the first time.""

Note...RESCUE and adopt the baby. 

The birthmom quote is more than a little suspect. 


 23 
 on: May 09, 2007, 08:03:27 pm 
Started by SoloZolo - Last post by IrenesEqual
Point well-taken, Solo!

I was not aiming to take a stand for one side or the other...just simply playing "devil's advocate".  I am one who likes to think from all different sides of the aisle and like to encourage others to do so as well.  I joined this forum because I am very much interested in learning more about the issues facing AA's and I look to all of you to help me in that endeavor.  I apologize if I offended anyone...just want to spark a discussion. 

 24 
 on: May 09, 2007, 07:55:46 pm 
Started by SoloZolo - Last post by Marsha
Julie is right, I wasn't speculating on how an aparent might feel. I actually have a daughter from China and a son we're going to pick up this summer.

 25 
 on: May 09, 2007, 07:03:34 pm 
Started by Nina - Last post by Justice
Yeah, it doesn't sound like  relationship you would pursue, except for the mother/daughter angle huh? Azn

Ugh.

Take care of yourself and the ones that love you.

 26 
 on: May 09, 2007, 06:34:31 pm 
Started by SoloZolo - Last post by SoloZolo
Joy, I agree with you!  And I was not writing my response as if the feelings were equal or should even be considered as such!  I just felt that simply writing "NO" in response to those feelings from the standpoint of the person who has adopted children was not truly seeing the whole picture. 

YES!  As you could see I didn't change the answer for any of the responses from the adopted child standpoint!  Because they are correct!  Quite valid and understandable (although I might not personally feel them all I do understand and accept that others might feel them).  BUT...whether we should have sympathy for AP's or not just because they made the choice, does not mean that we shouldn't acknowledge that they experience SIMILAR (not implying equal) emotions!  Not to start a whole new topic...but do we have little sympathy for the woman who's heart aches because she "CHOSE" to have an abortion and she now wishes she hadn't?  Do we look at her and say, "Well, that was your choice.  Get over it!  We don't want to hear how you feel!"?  I KNOW we don't, because we are caring individuals!  So, why not recognize that AP's might have similar emotions and need a little slack every once in awhile?  That was all I was trying to do with my response!

Thanks for listening!  And any other insight would be greatly appreciated (gee...I love a good debate) Roll Eyes!

Irene, I am not sure if you are aware that the person who wrote the original yes/no thing is both an adoptee and has adopted children.  And you are probably not aware of a thread on a different forum (in their adoptee support section!) which asked adoptees to consider AP issues (which you have pointed out).  Since this entire forum is specifically for adoptee support (http://afc.smfforfree2.com/index.php/topic,62.0.html), I get a little hinky when asked to consider AP issues.  That is one of the reasons I am here and not at the other place.  Anyone is welcome to cut APs a little slack - I just don't think that place is here.  But hey that's just me.

I feel as if I spent most of my life being the band aid for my aparents' issues - at the expense of my self, and I feel that my healing lies in ridding myself of that mindset.

 27 
 on: May 09, 2007, 05:22:22 pm 
Started by SoloZolo - Last post by IrenesEqual
Joy, I agree with you!  And I was not writing my response as if the feelings were equal or should even be considered as such!  I just felt that simply writing "NO" in response to those feelings from the standpoint of the person who has adopted children was not truly seeing the whole picture. 

YES!  As you could see I didn't change the answer for any of the responses from the adopted child standpoint!  Because they are correct!  Quite valid and understandable (although I might not personally feel them all I do understand and accept that others might feel them).  BUT...whether we should have sympathy for AP's or not just because they made the choice, does not mean that we shouldn't acknowledge that they experience SIMILAR (not implying equal) emotions!  Not to start a whole new topic...but do we have little sympathy for the woman who's heart aches because she "CHOSE" to have an abortion and she now wishes she hadn't?  Do we look at her and say, "Well, that was your choice.  Get over it!  We don't want to hear how you feel!"?  I KNOW we don't, because we are caring individuals!  So, why not recognize that AP's might have similar emotions and need a little slack every once in awhile?  That was all I was trying to do with my response!

Thanks for listening!  And any other insight would be greatly appreciated (gee...I love a good debate) Roll Eyes!

 28 
 on: May 09, 2007, 05:10:22 pm 
Started by SoloZolo - Last post by joy
OK...I'm gonna do it again...play devil's advocate 

I do not have any children yet and can really only speak from the perspective of adult adoptee, but if I TRY to put myself in the shoes of AP's I can imagine some of the answers you interjected on their behalf might change:

Quote
self concious   because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("Are people staring at me because my children don't look like me?")
Quote
fear of abandonment    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO

--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("Will my child "abandon" me in search of his/her birthparents?")
Quote
people pleasing    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("How can I please my child and make sure he/she loves me and doesn't decide to leave me?")
Quote
immense grief     because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO

--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK (Grief of 1) The loss of bearing children and 2) Knowledge of the loss your child faces as he/she is relinquished by birthparents)
Quote
a huge void in my life     because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--I'll give you this one on the AP's perspective but coming from myself...because I am adopted?  NO (Only if I allow myself to feel that way)
Quote
like a mistake    because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO
--Ditto "a huge void in my life"...only if I allow myself to feel that way...NO ONE can EVER tell me that I was a mistake, no matter who they are!
Quote
like something important was ripped from me forever without my choice   because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO

--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK (the ability to conceive and bear children and/or in the case of continuous miscarriages...definitely...a child was ripped from her body FOREVER without her choice!)
Quote
like I am less of a person than other people who have not been in my shoes because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? NO

--How about:  because I have adopted children?  CHECK ("Why can I not bear children?  What is wrong with me?  What do others do that I cannot?"  I believe the list of reasons to feel like less of a person must be endless for an adoptive parent.)
Quote
often misunderstood because I am adopted? CHECK  because I have adopted children? CHECK
--Amen!

So, again, playing devil's advocate...I don't know if this is how AP's really feel or not.  Are these feelings right, if they are accurate?  Probably not always!  Do they put a feeling of pressure and unhappiness on us AA's knowing that our AP's might have felt this way?  OF COURSE!!!  But can we deny that AP's might also experience some of these emotions?  I don't think so.  Whether right or wrong, they are human and feel things as deeply and painfully as we do!  Just because they make the choice to experience these emotions does not mean they are not entitled to them the same as you and I.  Just some food for thought  Shocked!

***Note:  I accidentally removed my post when I changed my screen name from shoolady to IrenesEqual.  Sorry for the confusion!  Aaagh!  I can't get the hang of this message board stuff  !





I think those are all plausible feelings, I don't think the intensity level is the same as adoptive parents are adults when they another big difference****make the decision******

to adopt.


With adoptees the insecurities and fears instilled by adoption hit us at our very core of our being, adoption affects all our developmental  phases,  I think it is more difficult to be an adoptive parent than a regular parent, I don't know, but that is my opinion, but I don't think adoptees and adoptive parents are equals in this, and I don't think because some people confuse us adoptees as a cure for fertility problems that we should feel responsible for them.

 29 
 on: May 09, 2007, 05:09:58 pm 
Started by SoloZolo - Last post by IrenesEqual
Good SoloZolo!  We couldn't have people changing names and responses left and right now, could we?  That would just be too confusing!

And, thanks for your response.

I just can't help but to feel that ultimately AP's really do believe that what they are doing is the right thing to do.  Whether to meet their own personal goals of having children, or not, they still believe that they are giving a home to a child who needs one.  I know...that's a naive comment but I'm really just trying to learn here.  I had a positive experience as an adoptee so find I all this anger towards adoption new and want to try and understand where it comes from.  Did society understand the ills of adoption even as recently as 10 years ago?  Or is much of this research new?  If so, then I know at least my AP's would have never even known the ill-effects of adoption on me or my adopted brother and were certainly doing what they thought was in our best interests (AND their own...kind of like killing 2 birds with 1 stone?).

I agree that now that there is more research out there PAP's should read it and truly know what they are getting themselves and their PAC into, and then make their decision accordingly.  But I have a real hard time holding AP's from years past accountable for information and research they never had!

Please understand where I am coming from and just try to help me out with understanding more about this issue.  Like I said, I am here to learn!  I might not be as angry or hurt or in as much pain as some of you, but hopefully my thoughts and feelings on the subject will be equally considered and respected.

 30 
 on: May 09, 2007, 04:46:59 pm 
Started by SoloZolo - Last post by SoloZolo
...yet both my name and response remain the same. http://afc.smfforfree2.com/index.php/topic,363.msg4927.html#msg4927  I refuse to be a human band-aid.

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